Most people look forward to Fridays, I personally look forward to Mondays. Weekends are pretty difficult for me right now due to the tension and stress in my marriage. In order to keep calm I stay away from the house frequently and I hate it. Generally, I like being home, I miss my monsters when I am not here. I love Saturday movie nights and making a ton of food for my friends and family. Trying out a new bottle of wine or a new cocktail recipe, I love laughing and feeling the joy I get from my friends and family. I look at food as a way give your love and lets face it, great food makes people happy.
This is how our life used to be, and I really want these times back with my friends. In the last couple of years our friends have been staying away from our house because my husband has made them feel uncomfortable. I know that very soon I will again be enjoying the company of friends and family in my home and hot summer nights spent outside listening to the crickets chirp and laughing so loudly and hard there are tears in our eyes.
These are the times that I miss, I really miss being happy in a relationship, I miss having a happy family. I dont know how other people deal with the death of a relationship, for me it has been like a very long terminal disease, dying very slowly, all the feelings that I had have died. I no longer feel anything for him except angst. I have explained it to my friends as having post traumatic stress. After 21 years together and dealing with this almost cancer like illness that has been devouring our marriage for the last 7 years, I am numb. I cant wait for this to be over, because I know that being alone cannot possibly be as hard and stressful as being together.
I have been counting on just getting through one more weekend and my husband would be moving out the following weekend, well this is where my lack of focus comes into play. There is apparently an extra week between the middle of March and the end of March, much to my chagrin I discovered today that I will have yet one more additional weekend with him living under the same roof.
We are all strong and I truly believe that we are never given more than we can handle, personally in the last 2 years I have managed to check almost every major life stresser with the exception of losing a child, and I have survived!
We all have those days or decades when the load we are carrying is too much to continue on, but I truly believe that it is our perspective that can carry us through to the next moment and if we string those moments along than they turn into hours and than days and than decades. Always look at the positive and be grateful for everything that you have been blessed with. I have 3 amazing monsters that melt my heart every single second and I would go through a thousand life times of misery just to have 2 seconds with them. Remember to always smile, walk with your chin up and a purpose in your step, with the proper perspective you will thrive in the midst of discourse and chaos.
~ Peace
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