Realization

I have realized I should be meeting more men and not be such a prude.  My lesbian BFF has had sex with more men than I have.  I have 2 dates today and promise to blog about both of them and catch you up to speed on my dating life.

I am back!

I apologize for not being around for a little bit of time, things have been busy with the business and just getting used to the separated life.  So I have ventured into the world of dating, I am completely confused.  There are a couple of people that I am talking to, my current preference is for Dorks and Geeks, with the Geeks taking a lead over the Dorks.  In case you are not aware of the difference let me explain.  

Dorks are people that were not so popular ever and want to be part of the "in" crowd, they may not be very intellectual and have no clue about how to dress.  There is a chance that you will see them wearing socks with sandals because of a completely logical reason like the buckles on their Jesus sandals hurt the top of their feet.  Dorks are not necessarily even obvious until you spend some time with them.

Geeks and Nerds are very similar in my book and they can be very hot.  Basically you can spot a Geek a mile away, they wear t-shirts that say things like "Hack Naked", now if you didn't know better you would think this was a cyber criminal but it is actually a charity.  Kind of scary that I know this huh?  Geeks do not try to be something they are not, they are overall pretty confident because they have always been Geeks.  Geeks are very smart and usually very funny in an odd sort of way, they are pretty oblivious to things around them as well, and when you call them on being a Geek they own it.  These are some of the reasons why I totally <3 Geeks, they would hate that symbol by the way.

I had a date last week with a guy that I will describe as an uber Dork.  I suggested dinner in a nice trendy restaurant, he was twenty minutes late due to traffic.  First I started with drinking water and than after he started in on past dates with other women I switched to wine.  We had previously agreed that we were not going to talk about anyone that we were seeing because I just wanted to casually date, I am not looking to start a relationship with anyone.  

First he started by telling me that there was a woman he had dated sitting at the bar, she does the accounting for the restaurant we were at.  When he came back from the restroom he mentioned that he said hello to her and told her that he was there on a date, she kept shooting him dirty looks before she went out the back door to leave.  There were also other references to women he had dated in the past and how he had his heart broken numerous times.  I suppose that most women would jump in and play up the "I am not like that" card but I must have missed the memo.  I reiterated the fact that I just wanted to socially date and have fun.

So we both enjoyed the food and I was entertained with with his "dorkish" behaviors while I drank my very generous glass of wine (made a mental note to go back for more wine and the Chefs plate).  We were finishing up when he pulled his wallet out to pay and I commented that he had a silver wallet.  Now before I tell you the explanation of why his wallet was silver let me describe this man.  

We had met for coffee previous to meeting for dinner and we have mutual friends, both times he came directly from work and wears suits to the office.  He has a high position in local government and has never been married or has any children, he likes to say that he is a committed bachelor.  None of this bothers me; although, typically government workers bore me, I used to be one and really have no desire to date one.  I suppose that most women would see this man and figure they could "hook" him, he has his own house and a housekeeper?  None of this impresses me, and I am guessing he is not used to this reaction.  So back to the wallet.

When he pulled his wallet out to pay I noticed that it was silver and was quite shocked that this conservative Dork would have a silver wallet.  When I asked why, he told me it was a gift from his father and that it was made out of stainless steel.  I was intrigued that this 41 year old man had received a stainless steel wallet from his father, he must have sensed this and informed me of the safety points of the wallet.  Apparently, there are devices that can scan your credit card information when you walk past someone and the stainless steel wallet prevents this from happening.  So I believed him and was wondering why more people didn't have stainless steel wallets, why wasn't this all over the media?  Where the hell was Dateline with this information?????  Did I mention that the wine came in really generous portions and that I had two glasses?

So the date was over and he was walking me to my car when I noticed a parking ticket, these parking tickets seem attracted to my car when I am in this part of town.  Needless to say there were not any fireworks with the goodbye but it was appropriate for a first real date and saying goodbye on the sidewalk in the middle of a very urban neighborhood.  

Later that night I spoke with a friend of mine who is a professional hacker (legally) and a HUGE Geek, so he knows a thing or two about security.  Apparently there is such a device that would steal your credit card information but you have to basically have it on your pocket and you need a specific type of credit card for it to be vulnerable.  The stainless steel wallet would protect your information if you are under such conditions.

This was my first official date out in public to a "grown up" dinner, I am sure that there will be a lot more and I suppose that it was fairly innocent.  I suppose it was one of those things I can look back on and appreciate, I mean really, how many people get to go out with a guy with a stainless steel wallet?  I did!

~Love and Light 

Did I really say that?

So I was reading through some of the previous blog entries and I feel a little exposed, you know how it is when you are not feeling yourself and you may tell a little too much.  I guess that is why I created this blog though, to expose myself, to let people know that it isn't as easy as I may make it look, walking away from a life that you have had for so long.  In fact it is really really hard, there are good days and bad days (read previous entries).  So I will try to keep this posting on the lighter side.

I am not afraid of laughing at myself, I am confident that I say and do things that make myself either appear endearing or just an ass.  Last night I went to Sidekicks house, of course all the talk was about my impending divorce.  While there I learned a few things.  First, the term is apparently is "lawyer up" not "legal up", well when Sidekick couldn't stop laughing at me and asked me to stop saying it, just made me say it more (that and a bottle of wine).  The other thing is, Sidekicks other half, lets call her "M"(I would say better half but she will probably read this at some point and know that I really do appreciate her), informed me that "If I swing it they will come".  I really didn't know what she meant by this so I asked her what I needed to swing and where, of course she didn't know.

A little background on "M", she calls me her second wife, because she worries relentlessly and when I am at their house she waits on me just like she does Sidekick.  There are perks to being a second wife to a lesbian (ps. I am a straight woman but I go with the term second wife because it is nice to feel wanted), I know that when the husband is gone she will be here to help me and the kids do whatever we will need help with.  "M" likes to complain and talk to herself, which in itself is quite entertaining, she also yells (and by yell I mean in the most thoughtful way) at Sidekick and I relentlessly about drinking too much wine and leaving messes for her to pick up, but she likes to do this, she likes to take care of people and regardless what she thinks, it is very much appreciated.

So back to the "If I swing it they will come" she has informed me that she has seen this happen, I asked her by who, again she didn't have an answer.  Now mind you I have been very close friends with Sidekick and "M" for a very long time and lets just say, I am the purest of the three of us and for her to head this warning is rather hilarious, which I reminded her of (because I know her past).  After my reminder she than started describing infected penises, yes you read that right.  Penises with warts and oozing open sores, needless to say I was completely disgusted and informed her that I just wanted to go out with nice guys that took me to expensive dinners, bought me bottles of wine and told me I was pretty (isn't that what all girls want anyway?).  I am not really looking for scary penises and the thought of sleeping with random people doesn't really appeal to me.  "M" proceeded to tell me how this is now one of her biggest concerns and so I have added another item of her list of things to her worry about.  I am sure that she will hound me relentlessly when the dating time comes, which I am actually hoping to get it over with and start somewhat soon.

Friends are wonderful aren't they.  I have so many amazing friends and I am so blessed to be able to go to for support and encouragement.  Love your friends and let them know that you appreciate them everyday, sometimes they are all we have.

Well it is time for me to pick up the monsters from school, until next time!

~love and light!

We all have lessons to teach

With my business I talk to anyone that will meet with me regardless of the line of work that they are in, because I learn something from everyone.  This is very true in our personal life as well, we can learn something from everyone and everyone can learn from us.  Typically, a person would say that we all have lessons to learn, which is true but every single one of us has a lesson to teach.  I dont want to make this blog into a self promotion piece, because that is not why I created it, but in order to teach you what I have learned I must tell you a little about what I experience.  Weekly I have people tell me that I am an inspiration to them, that I am admired, other business people are now asking me to help them because they see what I have done.  I went to my hometown this past weekend and typically people do not know when I am in town, so when I ran into old friends at the local bar it was nice to have people come up to me and be excited to see me, wouldn't you?  Sounds golden doesn't it, on the outside I put on a pretty good show, but on the inside I am confused and unmotivated.

The lesson that I would like to share with you today is that it is ok to ask for help.  We dont need to broadcast our weaknesses, in fact I would highly advise against it, people judge, we all do and having to worry about judging just adds to our stress.

The stress of my marriage ending has been the worst type of stress I have ever faced and I have pretty much hit every major life stresser on the list in the last two years.  It was so bad that I requested some volume from my doctor, I typically do not take medication of any type, not even over the counter, because I believe that our body and spirit have an amazing way of healing itself.  However, the stress was causing physical problems that were pretty debilitating.  I took one pill the afternoon it was prescribed and it was terrible, it didn't help other than to take away the pain caused by the stress, other than that it made me into what felt like was a zombie.  I only took one more of those pills and it was at bed time.  Well today, I realized that I need help.  I cant continue to be able to care for my three monsters grow an enormous empire and deal with a divorce if I can't even concentrate on what I need to get done on any given day.  So I called my doctor, who happens to be a wonderful friend and confidant to get a prescription for an anti-depressant.

I need help and if I have to take a little medication to balance me out for a little bit, it is ok.  I am not advocating that people drown out all the noise in our heads with synthetic chemicals, what I am saying is that it is ok to admit that we are not strong all the time and it is ok to not advertise it.

I work really hard at looking for the best in every single situation, to be thankful for every thing around me, but sometimes life just get loud and it is hard to focus, so I asked for help.

I promise you my next blog will be about something a little more lighthearted, because my life is very very good and on the verge of getting so much more amazing.

~Love and Peace

I am not like Lady Gaga

I was not born this way.  I have what I consider to be a gift that was given to me, it started December 31, 2008 and continues to grow every single second, it is bigger when I go to bed than when I woke up that morning and grows more and more every single second.  I will start from the beginning, December 31, 2008 I was not very happy with myself, I explain to people that I was ugly on the inside and the outside, I think that a person that is happy on the inside is even more beautiful on the outside because your spirit shines through.  I was extremely over weight, ate garbage food, and couldn't walk up two flights of stairs without being winded.  I was jealous of strangers for no reason, I just wasn't a very beautiful person and had no real direction for my future or the future of my family.  So on New Years Eve of 2008, my husband and I were planning on being home and as usual we were generally strapped for cash so I borrowed The Secret from the public library to watch that night and we borrowed another movie as well.  Needless to say after consuming queso (still one of my favorite foods) made from a half of loaf of Velveeta it was not going to be easy staying awake to watch The Secret at 11 at night, but I did and it was amazing (I highly recommend it).

So again I digress, watching The Secret on DVD that night lit the fire in me, well it was more like a spark that started.  It was slow a very slow burn, but a fire that starts small burns the brightest right?  I started working out within 2 weeks with a trainer, it was the beginning of the new me and I didn't even know it.  (Let me just say this as a sidebar, I seem to do a lot of things that turn out to be pretty huge without realizing what I am starting).  After starting with my personal trainer and Weight Watchers it took a while but eventually I started learning what food does to our bodies and I began to look at it as a fuel, the higher the quality the higher the burn factor.  Look at your body as a machine, the higher quality fuel you put in it the more efficient it is going to run.  This was huge for me to understand (keep in mind I am not perfect by a long shot, I grew up in a very traditional German family where healthy eating was meat and potatoes).

Anyway, I dont want to get stuck on the food part for too long, but I would like to add that conquering the food dependency is still something that I struggle with and I am sure I will for the rest of my life and you know what, that is just fine.  We all have struggles, it is how we handle them that determines the outcome.

So here I am starting a new life and I am not even conscience of it, but I start to see really good things happening.  I am more outgoing, my body is changing and that is making me happy.  I learned that instead of being jealous of a person it is more enjoyable to compliment them, make then smile and feel good about themselves, because isn't that how we feel when a person compliments us?  I was finding my spirit, the thing that makes me me, that makes you you.  It is like finding a Picasso in a dusty dark attic, I was taking away the old bags and dust that was on top of my spirit.

Well this was just the beginning of this journey that I started on December 31, 2008, I wanted to give a little bit of background on how I became the way I am, because Baby I wasn't born this way, it has been a lot of hard work to turn my life in the direction that I am currently going and I love it!

So tonight I will leave you with this, compliment people every single day, and when you are complimented take that as a gift because that person thought enough of you to let you know how they were feeling.  I try not to do a courtesy compliment back on purpose, because I dont think it seems genuine.  It is like going to the salon, even though I am there for a wax all the girls like to compliment my hair, even though I know it may look like I had just walked through a tornado.  See what I mean?  It just doesn't seem genuine.  So when I receive a compliment I thank the person, simple enough, "thank you".  Love and light people, I am sending you the most amazing rays of golden sun light and I will try to blog again tomorrow about my St. Patrick's day antics!

How in the hell did I miss a week?????

Most people look forward to Fridays, I personally look forward to Mondays.  Weekends are pretty difficult for me right now due to the tension and stress in my marriage.  In order to keep calm I stay away from the house frequently and I hate it.  Generally, I like being home, I miss my monsters when I am not here.  I love Saturday movie nights and making a ton of food for my friends and family.  Trying out a new bottle of wine or a new cocktail recipe, I love laughing and feeling the joy I get from my friends and family.  I look at food as a way give your love and lets face it, great food makes people happy.

This is how our life used to be, and I really want these times back with my friends.  In the last couple of years our friends have been staying away from our house because my husband has made them feel uncomfortable.  I know that very soon I will again be enjoying the company of friends and family in my home and hot summer nights spent outside listening to the crickets chirp and laughing so loudly and hard there are tears in our eyes.

These are the times that I miss, I really miss being happy in a relationship, I miss having a happy family.  I dont know how other people deal with the death of a relationship, for me it has been like a very long terminal disease, dying very slowly, all the feelings that I had have died.  I no longer feel anything for him except angst.  I have explained it to my friends as having post traumatic stress.  After 21 years together and dealing with this almost cancer like illness that has been devouring our marriage for the last 7 years, I am numb.  I cant wait for this to be over, because I know that being alone cannot possibly be as hard and stressful as being together.

I have been counting on just getting through one more weekend and my husband would be moving out the following weekend, well this is where my lack of focus comes into play.  There is apparently an extra week between the middle of March and the end of March, much to my chagrin I discovered today that I will have yet one more additional weekend with him living under the same roof.  

We are all strong and I truly believe that we are never given more than we can handle, personally in the last 2 years I have managed to check almost every major life stresser with the exception of losing a child, and I have survived!

We all have those days or decades when the load we are carrying is too much to continue on, but I truly believe that it is our perspective that can carry us through to the next moment and if we string those moments along than they turn into hours and than days and than decades.  Always look at the positive and be grateful for everything that you have been blessed with.  I have 3 amazing monsters that melt my heart every single second and I would go through a thousand life times of misery just to have 2 seconds with them.  Remember to always smile, walk with your chin up and a purpose in your step, with the proper perspective you will thrive in the midst of discourse and chaos.

~ Peace  

The details

So today was somewhat bittersweet, we are wrapping up details on my husbands move from our home.  We had to coordinate meeting at the bank to have the title of the car transferred over to my name, this is just the first of many things that will need to be taken care of, but surly the most time intensive.  In order to save myself from looking like an insensitive snob I will spare you the comedic relief that the fellow patrons at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles provided me, but keep in mind it was, well let's just put out this way, I will be going back with a snack and Sidekick.

Figuring out how to sort out the details of a life you built with someone is not going to be easy, but I know for my happiness and I hope for his as well it will be as swift and painless as possible. 

Sometimes people think you should stay married and complacent for the sake of your children, I tried this for a number of years.  Trust me when I say life is way to short to be complacent.  We are put here for such a short time and it our job to enjoy the gift that has been given to us.  I now look at my life as a journey and I plan on stopping at all the tourist traps along the way.

Be happy my friends, look at everyday as the gift it is, if you wake up and it is raining think of the flowers that will thrive because of the rain. Love and light.